Episode 7: Fake Hell

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So, another way that I’m pretty positive that the church that I grew up in was a bit over the top was, for Halloween, we weren’t allowed to celebrate Halloween. And, I can kind of understand this. Halloween is about like, witches and goblins and death and the devil, kind of, or at least that’s what they said. I can see how if you’re religious, you’re saying “no” to Halloween. Instead of Halloween, us kids got Hallelujah Night.

We’d dress up as a non-scary thing and come to church, and there’d be candy and games and bobbing for apples, and we’d spend the evening kind of soaking wet, and then we’d go home. Honestly it was a safe option, and all my friends were in church anyway so I was never mad about it.

One year, though, I distinctly remember that while there was Hallelujah Night going on, there was also “Fake Hell”. And I don’t know if they called it like “Hell-lelujah” Night? Probably not, they probably just called it Hell. It was basically like a haunted house for adults. I snuck in, because my Dad was in there, and I wanted to know what was going on. So, I poked my head in through the back door behind a curtain, and I remember seeing like adults that I knew from the church all dressed up like demons. They’d all painted themselves red or were wearing red shirts and red face paint and, I’m not sure I remember who it was but someone was dressed up like Satan - and they were all screaming and moaning and pretending to be burning alive and in pain. Basically, they wanted to simulate what Hell was like so no one would do anything bad and get sent to Hell.

What a weird, weird church.

Episode 6: Spending The Night At Church

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I spent a lot of my childhood going to church.  My parents were really into it, and at the time (I’ve asked them about this) they thought that they were doing the best thing, keeping us safe, teaching us good values – you know. It happens to a lot of people.

The church that we went to was a little bit over the top.  One of the ways that they were over the top was that on Friday night, after already going to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Monday night bible study, Tuesday night was praise and worship practice, Wednesday night was church, Thursday night was men’s bible study sometimes, and on Friday night we would spend the night at church.  Me and my parents and my little brother and a handful of other families would spend the night and pray until the sun came up, at church.  And now that I’m an adult and I look back, this seems really ridiculous to me. But as a kid, I really looked forward to Friday nights because it was the one time in my life where I didn’t have to go to bed at 8:30.  

All the kids would get together while the parents were praying, and we would build all these elaborate tunnels underneath the church seats and crawl up and down every row like a huge maze.  We would go make ourselves terrible coffee or black tea and chug it all down, and then crawl back and forth under the chairs again and again and again until about 4am we would pass out and our parents would get done praying at sunrise and take us home.  

So, yeah. That church was really over the top.

Episode 5: The Smell of the GATE Test Teacher

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5. The smell of the GATE test teacher

I think I was probably six or seven years old when I recognized that everybody has a different smell.  Like, when I come home to my house, I don’t really smell anything unless there’s food cooking, or I need to do laundry or, there was just a big party last night. But, when I go over to someone else's house, sometimes it smells like dogs, sometimes it smells like lettuce, sometimes it smells like spices and coffee, and sometimes it just smells like humans that are not me.

The first time I realized that people have a smell, it was in third grade.  It was the middle of class and I got a slip to call me out of class from the office, and the slip said “Go to room 26”. And so I went to room 26 and I walked in, and it was kinda dark in there, and there was just one teacher sitting there.  On his desk he had a bunch of puzzles. He told me to sit down and we were gonna work through all these puzzles, and he was going to time me and see how good I did.

So I came closer and I sat down, and the first thing that I realized was that he smelled overwhelmingly like microwave Chef Boyardi ravioli – which is gross. It was kind of like the smell of ketchup and barbeque sauce, and fake meat, and he was probably sweaty, too.  But, in any case, that was the first time that I realized that not everyone smells the same way.  Long story short, I tested into the GATE program and I didn’t even tell my parents that I made it in until like two months later when they found out I was going to be bussed to a whole different school.

The only thing I really took away from this was that ravioli stinks, and some people are smelly.

Episode 4: Getting Yelled at In Fifth Grade

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4. Getting yelled at by teacher without knowing why

When I was in fourth grade I got sent to a different school.  I went to that same school for fifth grade too, because I tested into GATE. GATE is “Gifted and Talented Education”  Program – it’s basically just advanced placement classes for younger kids.  Up at the school it was all of the “smarter” kids who had tested into GATE, and for fifth grade, I had a teacher named Mr. C.  Mr. C was kind of an asshole.  He was never really happy, never really funny, kind of just a strict disciplinarian-dad-type teacher, who maybe was passionate about science at one point, but was probably due for retirement, even though he wasn’t that old. I just didn’t really like him.  But, I don’t think I went out of my way to get on his nerves any more than any other kid did.

One day, during math, I remember like getting a lesson and not really understanding most of it – and I also probably wasn’t paying attention. But, Mr C didn’t’ really go out of his way to check who was listening and catching on.  Then all of the sudden, as class is going, I realize that Mr. C is raising his voice –  and, he’s not only raising his voice, he's screaming! Veins are popping out of  his head, and he’s turning red, and the entire time that this is happening, I’m turning around and snickering at my classmate who I thought Mr. C was yelling at.

Then, Mr. C keeps yelling. And I turn my head to look at him, and I realize that he’s yelling at ME?! And not only is he yelling, but he’s cursing at me, a fifth grader, saying “You’re an idiot, you’re worthless, you don’t know anything, you don’t pay attention, you don't even deserve to be here!”

And I honestly was too shocked to cry or be upset, because I didn’t even realize that I was being yelled at until everyone turned around to look at me being yelled at.  I think I ended up getting detention, but, to this day, I still have no idea what I could have possibly done to deserve to be yelled at like that, in school.

Episode 3: Ripping The Branch Off The Church Tree

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For most of my childhood and into my teen years, my parents went to pretty much the same church.  It was called Word of Grace, and it was a small town church with a handful of families.  We had a building in the early years that was sort of on the way out of town.  We would drive to church, and turn down this road, and then park.  My parents were really active in the church so, my brother and I would find ourselves there an hour or two before service even started.

Out in front of the building there was this tree, and underneath this tree there was a little hill, and we would stand on the little hill and hang off this tree and play, like kids do.  Me, and my brother, and this other kid named J.  One day, J and my brother decided to really get to swinging on the lowest branch of this tree and it started to rip off.  We didn’t really know anything about destroying trees and, we didn’t really care that this tree was in front of the church and we were making the church look kind of run down. 

But my Dad came outside and yelled at us and said, “You broke this tree, and it’s a living thing! How could you do this?” 

And, my brother and I stopped playing.  And then when my Dad went back inside, J grabbed the branch one more time and just ripped it off.  

I wonder if that tree is still there today? I wonder if you can see the spot where the branch used to be…

Episode 2: Getting In Trouble For Being On The Other Side Of The Fence

Text version of the episode:

When I was in second grade, my mom decided to homeschool me. We used to live right next to an elementary school, and I would always see the kids playing during recess but I could never really join them, because I’d have to climb the fence.  

One day, when I was playing outside and I’d already done all my lessons, I saw some of the kids playing,  and I leaned up against the fence and watched them. Until, this teacher in an orange vest, came running full speed all the way across the soccer field towards me.

“Hey!” She yelled, “Get back over the fence! You’re supposed to be in school!”

And I didn’t know what to say! I didn’t go that school, I didn’t know that teacher – was homeschooled.

So I effectively got in trouble for being on the other side of the fence. And, I don’t know if my mom came outside or if I just ran away but, I’ve always felt like someone who lived on the outside of the fence.

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Episode 1: How I Skipped Kindergarten

When I was a kid my parents put me into a Christian private school – I had to wear a uniform: khaki pants, white shirt. And, the classroom was definitely the side room of a church that we didn’t go to, we went to another church.  I don’t know wher ethey got the curiculum from, if it was something that they made up or leased or licensed but, it wasn’t that good.  I have this memory of class one day, we all got a piece of paper and on the paper there was a circle, a square, a rectangle and a triangle.

My teacher said “Okay, everyone sit down and we’re gonna take a test. You need to color the circle green, the rectangle red, the triangle yellow and the square blue.  And I’m gonna leave the room and when I come back, I’m gonna check your test.”

And she left, a room of us kindergarteners alone.

I was looking at the paper - I’d already forgotten what she said to do - and I noticed that at the bottom of the paper, upside down, the answers were written. So I read them out loud to the class who had also forgotten.  Everyone got a perfect score.

When the teacher came back, she was shocked. I don’t think she expected 30 or 40 of us kindergarteners to all remember what she had said.

She looked around, “Who – how did ya’ll know what to do?”

And of course, good Christian kids, they all snitched and pointed right at me. And I thought I was going to get in trouble.

But it turns out, I was the only kid in the class who knew how to read.

And the next day, I found myself in the first grade.

The Daily Daren: Intro Episode

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I am a Portland based creative, and my artistic practice focuses on painting, murals and digital design.  I own Art Larger Than Me which is a fine-art and art merchandise business that supports my creative practice.  My work currently focuses on abstract expressionism and graphic portraiture, and the juxtaposition of both styles into cohesive paintings, murals and illustrations. I am the founder of The Downstairs Gallery, an art gallery in downtown Portland, Oregon that seeks to provide support for BIPOC, LGBTQ+ artists, and artists with disabilities, and their creative practices.  Born out of necessity in 2020, The Downstairs Gallery hosts quarterly art shows and is open to artists of all disciplines, showcasing visual art as its main avenue of expression.  Aside from creative work, I am also an accomplished musician and music producer.  I work wit indie record label  Its Future Time in Portland to release self produced music in a jazz based, hip-hop genre. 

What you’re about to listen to every day for the next 365 days is an account of my life.  Told non-linearly, and illustrated through short stories about random happenings, funny moments, embarrassing situations, triumphants wins and devastating losses, and those who have helped me (and hurt me) all along the way.  My hope is that through these stories you will get to know me – I’m a Black, transgender man, I’m an artist and a musician, I’m a son, a partner, and a friend. My hope is that you’ll also get to know yourself – see yourself a bit more through every story.  Because at the end of the day, we are all living this same life, and watching it through seven billion different lenses. 

I think back to how many times I have told my own “origin story” – the story of where I come from, what I’m doing here, or who I am.  Every one of us has a handful of different versions we tell about ourselves in different situations, right? The version you say in the icebreaker meeting at a new job. The version you tell over the holiday dinner table with your in laws. The version that only your best friend knows, where you did that thing, or reached that rock bottom, or you achieved that milestone.  The Daily Daren is a project about these stories.  It’s a “Who Is Daren Todd Handbook”, with all the answers sliced up into tiny, bite sized pieces. It’s visual. It’s audible. It’s art, but it’s really storytelling. Because the stories of our lives dictate who we are.  And, who we become.